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When It Rains
This is the eighth episode of Vale, season 4. Written by Rainy. Read, enjoy, & comment! '' '' ''When It Rains'' It felt like forever and a heartbeat, the time between the skies being gray and the skies being black. I sat at the edge of the camp and watched the day's light wane till the night was complete. I felt so numb that Dewfrost had to tap me five times with his tail before I jerked to conscious thought, back from that twilight place I'd hidden in. Hidden in, fallen in, trapped in. Whichever. "The rest of the Clan is standing vigil," murmured Dewfrost. It was true. Not even Petalkit and Poolkit remained in the camp. It was eerie, the silence and emptiness. I hadn't even noticed anyone leave. "We share your sadness. You won't grieve alone," my former mentor said. "You'll be surrounded by other cats, bearing the same weight." I shook my head. "You can't. Can't share my sadness. It's different. SpringClan didn't lose what I lost." Dewfrost stared at me. I could feel the questions in his gaze. Never before had I drawn a separation between myself and the Clan like that. True, I could be reclusive, prone to shutting others out, but deliberately refusing to believe that the Clan was capable of knowing and feeling what I was feeling now... it said something about the bond I had with them. Dewfrost knew it--he knew me so well, from my silly, stubborn apprenticehood to my troubled warriorhood--and I guess I knew it too, though I didn't have the capability to think about it at the moment. Whatever kind of line I had just carved into the ground, Dewfrost was too gentle to cross it. He dipped his head at me and touched his tail to my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Breezeflight," he said in a heartbroken whisper. Even though I knew that it would be the first of many, many useless apologies, I looked in his eyes and saw that he meant it, so I nodded at him, and watched him go. I forgave him. Him, I could forgive. For saying "I'm sorry" when it didn't matter whether he was sorry or not: Daisyheart was dead. But I didn't know who else I could forgive for apologizing for her death. I didn't want an apology. I wanted to take the firestick that killed my best friend and shove it down the throat of that Twoleg. I wanted to rip the rabid dog to pieces. I wanted to die. "Breezeflight. Come on." Minkears. She stood at the top of the camp entrance, her glossy fur blending with the shadows, her bright amber eyes solemn but unafraid. "Come on," she repeated. Her voice was rough, like thorns on a drooping rose. I snarled a little as I stood and walked over. "Fine." She didn't even mention the vigil, not till we reached the small patch of earth where Daisyheart's body was sprawled. Then she left--I don't know where she went, because I wasn't paying attention. As soon as I saw Daisyheart lying there, the moonlight turning her cream fur to silver, blood still clotting her chest despite Blossomleaf's best effort to clean the wound, the world rushed out from under me. I forgot Minkears, along with everything else, everything but the pain. I am losing my mind, I thought stupidly, sitting there like a tree stump and gaping like a fish out of water. It was funny. When you looked at a cat from the outside, you saw the usual: four legs, sinew and muscle rippling under pelt, glowing eyes with narrow pupils, two ears and thin whiskers, agile tail and triangular nose. You looked at a cat, and you knew some of their limits--not all of them, but some. You knew, if her leg bends that way, it will break like a twig and, if he treads over that rock, he'll bleed all over the place. But on the inside, we cats were trickier. You couldn't know the limits of a cat on the inside, not by simply glancing at them. Me? I suspected that on the inside, I was a vast galaxy of tired, twisted, dying constellations. I had to be, to hold all this pain I was feeling. I wondered where my limit was. When would I break, like Duskwatcher had? There I was, sitting at my dead friend's vigil, thinking about myself. How could I? Some of my Clanmates had gone back to camp after bidding Daisyheart a brief good-bye, but those that remained were watching me out of the corners of their eyes. Waiting for me to walk to the front and give a beautiful speech that would have everyone crying, and somehow make it all better at the same time. Oakstar had once told me how lonely it would be, being a hero. I could be a hero now. I'd be alone up there, but I'd be giving them my words to hold onto, the words of Daisyheart's best friend. They would look at me and think, if she can pick herself up, so can we. It would be lonely, sitting in the back and drowning in my silent tears, too, only I wouldn't be helping anyone. A real hero would be up there, speaking to her broken Clanmates. I decided to wait till my Clanmates had all left. I wasn't a hero. It took a long time. Quailstar, Dewfrost, and the medicine cats stayed the longest--apart from the Vale Squad and Daisyheart's parents, of course. I slowly approached my friends, tail down, as if to say, Sorry I sat in the back corner for a few hours, staring blankly into space instead of mourning with you guys. Specklenose laid his tail across my shoulders. "I loved her, you know. Back when... when we were dating. I did love her, even though I know I was terrible to her back then. I was stupid and immature. But she's been one of my best friends and-" He choked up, which explained more than words ever could. Minkears said nothing. Her amber eyes were hard as rock. She had a few white petals clinging to her paws. She'd picked a few beautiful late daisies to lay on Daisyheart's body, but had ended up shredding and pulverizing them into the mud. A few mangled stems lay in the dirt beside her feet. After looking at her, I immediately turn my head to look at the last member of the Vale Squad, only to remember that there was no fourth anymore. It was just us. Goldenburst and Ivyrose were leaving, leaning on each other like they were both paralyzingly ill now. Goldenburst touched his nose to my ear. "Come talk to us. Don't be a stranger. We need you." I nodded and embraced Ivyrose. Just the Vale Squad left. One dead, three almost alive. Minkears and Specklenose finally said their last good-byes. Specklenose went back to camp, crying quietly. Minkears headed in the direction of the stream with a pile of leaves to shred, her amber eyes still empty. There was a pause in time, like just for a second, the world held its breath. Then, finally, I collapsed. My chest caved in with the weight of my sobs. My knees buckled. I fell with my tail dragging among Minkears' dead daisies and my head in dead Daisyheart's soft fur. I looked down at her lifeless body and thought of laughter-filled hazel eyes and long evening talks and little jokes and every moment of my life with her--I went through it all, and I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise that when I looked at the rest, the parts that didn't involve her, there was very little left. I cried and cried--I tried to cry my heart out, so I wouldn't have to deal with the stupid, broken, aching thing anymore, but my heart insisted on staying inside my chest, like a heavy, inescapable weight. At last, exhausted, I fell asleep. I didn't wake when they came to bury Daisyheart, nor when they left. I just lay there, comatose beside the freshly turned earth, scooped over the grave and still damp from my tears. I didn't remember going to the field--the place just outside SpringClan territory where Duskwatcher burned and Daisyheart bled--but as the night turned to a soupier, watered-down version of itself (a pathetic excuse for dawn), there I was. And I wasn't alone. Ren stood on the little hill, where Daisyheart and I had first seen him and Saori. I joined him, remembering the escapade into the Dark City, the smell of smokesticks and crow-food, the unforgiving feel of pavement under my tender paws. Remembering what turned out to have been my last adventure with Daisyheart. "It sucks," Ren said. "This sunrise? Yes, well, there's no sun, for one. And the sky looks like dust and smoke," I said. "Yes, the sunrise sucks, 'cause it's not a sunrise. Also what sucks is that now Saori and I have both seen the love of our lives die. It must run in our family or something." At first, I had no idea what he was talking about. Then I remembered something I'd heard Ren telling Daisyheart, a story about his best friend and Saori's true love, a tom named Timmy who had died in the Red Arena. "Tell me about him. Your friend who died." Ren didn't even question the fact that I knew more than he'd told me. "Timmy was hilarious. He could make anyone laugh. When Saori and I told him we were leaving our Twolegs, he didn't so much as blink before agreeing to come with us. I love Saori dearly, but when it comes to personality... Well, I'm quieter, thoughtful, philosophical and deatched. She's sharp and bright and vibrant, and she never waits for anything or anyone. Timmy balanced us out. For me, he was someone to share jokes with, to talk and vent and tease. For Saori, he... I don't even know about those two. He loved her with all his heart, I know, and she did love him--she's just got a funny way of showing it. And then he died. He jumped into the ring because me and Saori were going to be thrown in. The cats of the Red Arena held us back and made us watch him die." Ren shuddered. "It was so red, the blood." "That's what we should call this place. Red Field. Red for the flowers that grow here briefly, and red for in leaf-fall, how it's covered in fallen leaves. And red for the fire that burned Duskwatcher and Daisyheart's blood." Ren shuddered. "That took a morbid turn." "Ryan said he hypothetically cares for me," I volunteered out of the blue. "What?" Ren blinked. "You were talking about Saori's love, and I just." "You love-" "No! I didn't say that." Shrugging, Ren turned and looked out at the Red Field. "Okay." We talked about how if the sun didn't rise, maybe it wasn't even day at all--maybe time had frozen or the universe had collapsed. We talked about what Timmy's warrior name would have been, and what Ren's would be ("Stoneheart? What on earth, Breezeflight? That makes me sound like the worst, coldest cat on the planet!") and what Saori's would be ("Would Quailstar agree to call her Dirtyhead?"). We talked about the time I helped fight off a fox, and the time Ren knocked over ten "garbage cans" (containers Twolegs apparently used to store crow-food) in the middle of the night on accident. All went well, until I accidentally mentioned the formation fo the Vale Squad. "Minkears, Specklenose, Daisyheart and I-" Saying her name was so natural that for a second I didn't even remember that she was gone. Not until I saw the way Ren's face just closed off, like a wall sealing us from each other. Stupid, stupid. I knew what we were doing, having this conversation. We were a couple of cats deranged from sorrow, trying to distract each other with dumb stories of times when everything was easier. Why had I mentioned her name? Then Ren said, "Saori said it hurts so much because I know I could have loved her." "And?" "And she's wrong. I did love her. I think I started to love her when I first saw her. I don't know." He hesitated. "Do I say that I loved her, or that I love her? One makes sense. The other is true." I knew exactly what he meant, but I didn't respond. "I didn't see you at Daisyheart's funeral." "I wasn't there." I arched my eyebrows. "Oh?" He sighed. "Saori and Timmy used to have this running joke, whenever I'd lapse into one of my thoughtful periods. They'd say I was dead inside, that I literally was spending my time trying and failing to blend in with living cats. It was a joke, of course, but I always wondered what was wrong with me--because there's some truth to it too. I'm quiet and withdrawn, sometimes to the point of lifelessness. And Daisyheart, she was the opposite. She was warmth and life, and maybe that's why I was so drawn to her. Like, this one she-cat just danced her way into my existence and suddenly I was in love. It's not fair. I was stable before her--at least, I never went on wild adventures or quick flings like Saori did. I retreated into myself after Timmy died, and I was surviving without any light in my life, and then Daisyheart blazed light all over the place like the sun, and now she's gone, and I can't go back--back to the darkness." He finished talking with a short gasp, eyes wide and pupils dilated with emotion. "That's why I didn't go to the vigil. I can't stand seeing her dead. She's supposed to be alive and radiant, not-" He couldn't bring himself to finish. I had no response, so I said stupidly, "What will you do now?" "Probably go back to the city with Saori, as soon as possible." That shouldn't have been a surprise. Of course I couldn't expect him and his sister to stay. It was unusual enough that Fire, Ryan, Cammy and Lily were still with SpringClan. Though Quailstar seemed to be growing less and less tolerant of the four of them, shown by the way she was still having them sleep outside the camp. I wondered uneasily what would happen when she'd finally had enough of non-warriors in her Clan. I wanted nothing more than for Ryan and his sisters to consider my home their home, and Quailstar was doing everything she could to make them not feel at home. But I'd deal with that later, much later. I had bigger things to worry about at the moment. "I guess I should probably get back to camp," I said reluctantly, getting to my paws. Ren nodded, making no effort to get up himself. I left without saying good-bye. I couldn't be sure, because he had his head tilted on an angle away from me, but I thought I saw tears gathering in his eyes. As I headed back through the woods, I heard another cat coming towards me. I almost turned right around and marched back to the Red Field, but it was too late; Ryan had already skirted a bush and darted into eyeshot, calling out my name as he did so. "Hey," he said breathlessly. The greeting was casual, but his golden eyes were wild and he looked like he hadn't slept in five days. He ran his eyes over me several times, as if with every second there grew a danger of me disappearing in a puff of smoke. Then, apparently still not convinced that I was really there, he stepped forward and bumped his shoulder to mine. I felt some of the tension, though not much, leave his muscles. "Are you okay?" we both blurted at the same time. And then instead of politely offering to let each other go first, we both started talking at once. "You look exhausted, Ryan. Have you been getting any sleep at all? Is it the new den Quailstar's had you guys move to? It's not that far from the camp, but I can demand that Dewfrost talks to her about letting you guys back in. It's just absurd, pushing you all out there. And have you eaten anything? What's going on?" If possible, his stream of words was even more frantic than mine. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you. I'm so sorry I didn't come to Daisyheart's vigil. I ran into Quailstar while I was on my way there, and she gave me a really cold look and told me she'd appreciate it if I let SpringClan mourn for its own members without interference. Of course, I didn't want to interfere--that horrid old furbag, she is--I just wanted to comfort you, but I couldn't see you anywhere and I couldn't imagine where you were or what you might be doing, because I just... it must be so crushing..." He hesitated. "And here you are, asking if I'm okay." He had a point. Me, asking him if he was okay? I was one of the most selfish cats I knew. There might be some cats who disagreed with that, and others who heartily agreed, but I figured I knew myself best, and that was what I'd decided. I was the type of cat who got so caught up in her own emotion when something happened that I pushed others away, forgot everything and everyone while I struggled to appear "strong". Yet, around Ryan, inexplicably, those walls were coming crashing down. I didn't want to be that hard, untouchable version of myself. I still cared about Ryan, no matter how many other issues were piled up in my life. I looked at him, frazzled and bone-tired, and I thought, StarClan, I want him to be healthy and happy right now, even if I can't be. I didn't want to cry all by myself while making sarcastic remarks and poorly constructed distractions around other cats; I wanted to bury my face in Ryan's fur and sob my heart out while he held what was left of me together. All these thoughts were rushing through my mind at one instant, and I felt like I would keel over. I realized then, at the worst possible moment of my life, that in the weirdest, most Breezeflight-esque way, I had fallen for Ryan. I loved him. I loved him. Maybe it took me so long to realize because I was waiting for love to happen to me like Ren described it: you saw a cat, and you knew immediately. Maybe it took me so long to realize because it took me a long time to fall in love, just because of who I was. Whatever the case, I knew it at that moment. And it terrified me. Ryan? He wasn't even a warrior. Also, frankly, not to act all mother-like about my own love life, but... sometimes I figured we were too similar. Sure, he was funny and cute and kind, but he also had that same tendency to close off when things got intense. If I said I loved him, what would he do? I decided to just enjoy being with him for now. I leaned forward, wanting to ask if we could just have a moment to sit there, because maybe with him, the sadness would be almost close to bearable. But he pulled away at the exact same instant, the wild look returning to his gaze, his muscles tensing once again. "I have to go, Breezeflight. I'm sorry. I-I'll see you later." Bewildered, I began to say his name, but he'd already vanished. - - - - So easy. It would've been so easy to look into those round, beautiful green eyes and just say it. Half of Ryan wanted to spin on his heels and dash back to Breezeflight, grab her, and yell it in her face. "I love you. Great skies, I love you more than I thought I could love anything. Are you blind? Can't you see it in every glance, every word, every moment I spend thinking or worrying about you?" She was so perceptive about every single thing--except that. She would never come to the conclusion on her own. But he couldn't tell her. He had to get away from her, and he had to do it now. When Daisyheart died, he had thought for one sick moment, It wasn't Breezeflight. Daisyheart is the one who was going to die. I won't lose Breezeflight. He was absolutely disgusted with himself for the thought, but it didn't matter anyway. No sooner had it passed through his mind than he was hit with another vision. He had seen Breezeflight, running through the woods, crying and breathless, crashing into brambles and smashing her paws on stones. And the voice of his visions, the awful, cold tone, had said, "This is what you will do to her. She is lost and alone, because of you." Because of him. The vision was crippling. He had never seen Breezeflight look so ragged. Before he collapsed from the horror, he had had to remind himself that it wasn't real. It hadn't happened. Not yet. He still had time to stop it. Which was why he had to take action, now. While he still could. For some strange reason, Aldereyes' face popped back into his mind. "Though the three would grow to be immensely powerful, they would also lead dark, lonely lives. They would suffer great loss, and stumble down shadowy paths." Three legendaries. Him, Fire, and an unnamed cat with an unknown power. Aldereyes had given him so many warnings that he had no idea what to do. All he knew was that his power was telling him that the one she-cat who meant more to him than anything was in danger. "I can't lose her," Ryan whispered. "Not Breezeflight." - - - - I woke up the next morning feeling like someone had poured melted rock into every crevice of my body. I just felt heavy. Getting out of my nest was torture. Not sure how I knew things were going to go from bad to worse. I mean, I had already hit the lowest point of my life. It would take a real pessimist to wake up and say, "Yep, something else can and will go wrong." But I did. That was me, always expecting the worst. Oh yeah, I was tons of fun at parties. Cammy pushed her way into the warriors' den. Her eyes were watery and her voice shook as she whispered, "Breezeflight? They're gone." "What?" I asked, blinking the sleep out of my eyes. "Ryan and Lily." She was shaking. "They're both gone." Then she turned, looking like someone had beaten all the fight out of her, and dragged herself back out of the den. Simple as that. Boom. Gone. I searched the entire camp, as well as the makeshift den the rogues had made outside the camp at Quailstar's order. Nothing. I wandered aimlessly around the territory, knowing I wouldn't find him. I returned to the camp, and I just knew. I let myself think it: he's never coming back. Daisyheart's never coming back. Ivyrose and Goldenburst are going to Twolegplace tomorrow morning, and she won't be coming back either. '' Ryan was gone. It began to rain. ''The End Category:Vale